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The Spamariffic Dental Splinge Hangnail - Random Notes

from Archives by Charlie Crane

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Back in 1999, I got a soundcard packaged with MIDI software, and around the same time I discovered mp3.com - at age 12, it seemed as good a time as any to begin a career in show business. This faux-oldie (in my head it was supposed to sound like a Phil Spector girl group tune) was one of the first songs I uploaded to the Internet under the nom de juvenilia The Spamariffic Dental Splinge Hangnail. It was also the first to get professionally reviewed, courtesy a scathing mp3.com station called The Worst of The Worst:

"Torture Factor = 10 What ever happened to the good old days when children took piano or violin lessons in the comfort of their own homes? Music teachers were dedicated, children were disciplined and parents were the only ones that had to suffer through the arduous practice sessions. Today, we have untold gigabytes of bad music traveling around the world instantaneously. I believe that the wantonness found on MP3.com is a direct result of VH1's "Save the Music" program. I think we should tie down Sting and the other "Save the Music" spokespeople and force them to listen to the fruits of their labor. Let's see if Sting's Yoga training can protect him from “The Spamariffic Dental Splinge Hangnail”!"

I must have reread that paragraph 100 times before I believed it was real. This was actually a website that I had read and laughed at multiple times before that post, and now it was speaking directly to me, telling me to stop making music.

An inauspicious debut in the music business, to be sure, but the attendant infamy did lead to the track getting played on WFMU by oddball music expert Irwin Chusid in December 2005, two years after mp3.com was taken offline. I have since, alas, remained unable to crack the lucrative outsider music market. Mostly because I started getting a little better. Not too quickly though...

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from Archives, released November 30, 2017

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Charlie Crane Chicago, Illinois

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